ana.words, uncontrolled losing sight one eye

Inexperienced Curry Taster

Notes from an inexperienced curry taster named Frank, who

was visiting Phoenix, Durban from the U.S.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a

curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the

last moment and I happened to be standing there at the

judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the

call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of

local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy,

and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the

tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the

event."

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to

put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These char

o's are crazy.

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be

taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what

I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two

people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They

had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more

beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red

peppers.

FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose

feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the

routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid

pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part

of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice.

Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish

for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was

unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds?

Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh

refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just

like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly

ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato.

Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead

and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people

behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended

when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage.

Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer

directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my

lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges

asked me to stop screaming. Screw those char o's!

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good

balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,

and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with

gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and

I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems

inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree, she

must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.

I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned

peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in

a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note

that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in

a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,

and I wouldn't feel damn thing. I've lost the sight in one

eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.

My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of

my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my

damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what

killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.

Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,

I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry,

safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its

existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry,

neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost

when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the

curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to

make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really

hot curry?

FRANK: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

submitted by seb

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